SheShan’s Awesomely Insulting Chinglish

Due to insultingly slow internet speeds and the deplorable condition of my computer at work – you know the kind of computer where the mere art of opening more than one tab to do some research results in mind-numbing , brain crippling freezes , crashes, and blue screens of death?- , in lieu of the SheShan (Shanghai’s “Mountain”) trip , I will be presenting SheShan’s Awesomely Insulting Chinglish.

“The guardian of minor , moron, the deaf and mute, or the psychopath …” blah blah blah something to the effect of don’t light or play with fires.

DAMN SON. What started out pretty innocently with “Guardian of minor” brutally turned to “moron” before subsiding to “deaf and mute” , and then lurching full force back into the attack with “psycopath” .

Please if you have a psychopath in your care , I strongly advise into bringing them into public places. If you must bring them into public places then by all means keep them as far away from fire as possible (also pointy things and things that go boom boom are out-of-bounds).

Apparently if you happen to know a moron, be sure to keep them safe as well! HAHAHA.

Also sign makers do please take care to not indiscriminately lump together deaf, mute , children , along with morons and psychopaths.

Moment of the Day – “Fast Food”

Whether it be on the streets, tucked into an alley, or clustered together on the corner ,Shanghai starts to fill up with stands and mobile street carts plying a wide variety of foods at night. Fried rice , skewers of meat and veggies , soups , you got it. Some of these vendors have the proper permits   and many . many, do not.

Some nights , due to police or city management, areas which are hot spots for late night eats can be totally deserted.

Last week,   while waiting for my girlfriend to get out of her company dinner I was standing on the corner of Fuxing Zhong Rd. and Xiangyang Nan Rd. drinking a beer and watching people go by.

A lady had set up a little fried-rice cart in the bike lane on Xiangyang Nan Rd (21:45ish so the street wasn’t busy) and was busy frying up some rice in her wok. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that all of a sudden she started to pack away her cart , grab all the things to secure them on the table , cut the propane tank’s gas , turn the cart around , dash maybe twenty meters down the street , and then turn into a little alleyway to lay low. After maybe about 40 minutes , with no city workers or police coming by, she emerged from the alley , and re-setup show in the exact location she was in before. My guess is that a friend / fellow vendor called her with a warning that city workers/police had been seen somewhere around and she booked it until another call told her it was safe.

Stay in China long enough and you will see this scene plenty of times or maybe even catch the city management harassing some of the vendors.

I witnessed a particularly funny scene in Nanjing near the Confucius temple. An old lady and little boy approached a pineapple vendor who cut the pineapples up and served them skewered up. While the lady was trying to decide the vendor noticed cops making their way over. He urged the lady to hurry up and that he had to go . She fumbled around in her purse looking for coins in the slow way old ladies do things and the guy rode off leaving the lady still looking for change.  Haha.

Moment of the Day : Turtles

Living in China can have a lot of “What the Heck?!?” moments . Today’s moment was especially hilarious. I was covering some classes for my friend at a teaching center this morning and on my bike ride to work at 8:30 while waiting for the traffic light to turn green I encountered this moment : One guy in a construction workers hat is holding a large live snapping turtle neatly tied up. He was swinging the turtle by the rope and another guy was trying to settle a price for the turtle. The conversation went something like this (although in Chinese) ”

Buyer :50 rmb for one turtle?!? Are you crazy ? Usually I pay 30 for a turtle this size.

Seller: No way , this is a great turtle. 50rmb or go.

Buyer: C’mon give it a little cheaper!

At this point the light turned green and I was swept away in the sea of bicycles.